The Path to Happiness

"Happiness is the state of human flourishing. Human flourishing is reached by means of a virtuous life." Socrates

A friend recently returned several books I lent on home schooling with the comment, "Thanks for all the information. My husband and I would like to do it, but when we talked with our son--he thought it would be more fun to go to a classroom with friends." Her comment echoed several others I heard this week.

"How can we make our home schooling more fun?"--question on home schooling advice page.

"We tried that curriculum, but it was no fun."--quote from convention.

While I'm a big fan of fun and think it should be an element of healthy family life, when did fun become the litmus test for life choices?

Both in the home schooling community, and the larger Christian community, fun seems to be the paramount consideration for how to engage our children--how to make them flourish. Even  our endorsements center on fun. It's been a long time since I heard someone say, "This youth group/curriculum/activity is great! It built a deeper understanding of virtue into our children." More often, I hear, "Try this--our kids thought it was a blast!"

Our language frames our children's thinking. When our language focuses on terms such as "fun" or "enjoy," we train our children to consider these to be the highest priorities for their lives.

Is that the message we want to send? As our children face temptations and life choices--do we want them simply choosing what would bring the most pleasure? If, throughout their formative years, they have heard us mention only this standard for our choices, we can't be too surprised if fun becomes the standard for theirs.

I'll admit that my own language has become so infused with these terms, it's hard for me to find expressions for focusing on virtue that don't sound contrived or hokey. But, I'm trying--because I want my children to consider virtue as their way to flourishing. To happiness.

As I choose curriculum, I'm focusing more on recommending it to my children with phrases such as "This has some really great meat for our minds" or "I think this will help hone the passion God has given you with real skills." As I consider children's extra activities, I ask them, "Which of these will build God's fruit in your lives as well as be fun?" As they leave to go with friends, I no longer simply say, "Have a great time." I say, "Have a great time and be God's blessing." I have to admit the latter sounds forced even to me--but I'm trying to impart a Godly focus even in my good-byes.

Our culture believes fun is the path to happiness. It's no surprise that focus has permeated our home schooling culture as well. We want our children to be happy. Yet, if we really want happiness for our children, we should focus them toward virtue. As we intentionally express this focus, we teach our children that pursuing virtue is their path to happiness.


Tess Worrell writes and speaks to groups regarding issues of family life and living as a Godly woman. She and husband, Mike Worrell, live in Madison, Indiana, where they are in their 14th year of home schooling. She would love to hear your insights. Comment here or email her at tess@YourFamilyMatterstous.com. If you would like Tess to speak to your home school or church group, you can learn more about her speaking at YourFamilyMatterstous.com.

One Mother's Night Job

This post is dedicated to everyone

who has ever lain awake worrying over something,

or might ever be tempted to. . .

At 5:12 last Wednesday morning the lights came on.

No, not the electric lights.  Something dawned on my heart--and I realized something.

I awoke to use the bathroom, and as I got out of bed, I began to marvel.  The things I have historically worried about in the night are never the really "big" things.  The things I know I have absolutely no control over--and that are entirely in God's hands--are not the things that keep me awake.

No, what keeps me awake are those smaller things that I think I have some control over.  The things I think are up to me, that I somehow control the outcome of.  I lie awake concerned about how I am going to get them done.

And then it hit me.  This line I've drawn between what's in my control and what's in God's control is an illusion--it's a non-existent line!  There's really no difference at all.  He is sovereign over the big things, and He's no less sovereign over the small ones.  What ever was I thinking?!  He reminded me that apart from Him I can do nothing (John 15).  My life is fruitful only as I depend on Him.  And His power to mastermind and accomplish the big things is more than sufficient for the smaller things of my life.

So I resolved to retire from my night job as worrier.  I've known all along it wasn't right, but somehow, I kept getting pulled into it.  Without actually consciously acknowledging it, I sort of imagined that I ultimately had control over the things I stayed awake over.

I'm learning to trust Him more.

"Why are you in despair, O my soul?

And why have you become disturbed within me?

Hope in God,

for I shall again praise Him for the help of His presence.

The Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime;

And His song will be with me in the night*,

A prayer to the God of my life.

Hope in God,

for I shall yet praise Him,

The help of my countenance, and my God."

Psalm 42:5, 8, 11b

P.S. * So I've taken a new a new night job (when I'm not asleep, that is).  I'm singing His song.

Homeschooling with her husband, Scott, since 2001, Carol believes nothing is too difficult for God.  She is a passionate encourager and loves using creative means--including writing music, singing, speaking, and blogging--to encourage others to trust God through all the adventures He calls them to.  You can read more from her at her Unsmotherable Delight blog (udelight.blogspot.com), where you'll find faith-filled original songs, favorite scriptures, family stories, and even a little film about adoption, all designed to inspire and lift your spirit.  Her original 'theme song' titled Captain's Anthem can be heard on Vimeo at http://vimeo.com/30769152.

Scripture quotations taken from the NASB.

New Year's Resolution--Defeat the Enemy Within

To look at Jessica*, you'd never guess what she faces on a daily basis. Long, rich brown hair, a lean well-shaped figure, and a smile that could light New York City. Yet, a deadly killer lives inside her--growing. In her second bout of cancer, Jessica fights a battle against the enemy within.

When I asked how she was doing and how I could pray, Jessica said simply, "Pray that God blesses all I'm doing to get this out of me." To defeat the cancer, Jessica has radically changed her life. She follows a strict nutritional regimen, exercises, and has retrained herself on managing stress. She knows her healing is ultimately in God's hands, but she endeavors to live a daily response to His healthy principles in the hopes that her body will fight off this killer.

In talking with her, I realize we are really no different. We both have an enemy within that threatens to destroy. We both ultimately rest in Jesus for our healing. At the same time we both have a daily duty to reorient our lives to respond to God's life-giving.

At this Christmas season, I live in awe of a God who would give up heaven, the adoration of angels, and limitlessness to come to a dirty stable, filled with mocking people, and be constrained by the helplessness of a newborn. Jesus did all this to personally say, "I love you, and I want you to know Me." I came to be here. . .with you.

I live in greater awe that He came as the means, not just of sharing life, but of saving us from the enemy in us. That He chooses to live in us to defeat that enemy.

I see Jessica's desperation. She knows her life is on the line. She has responded by fully committing to a way that leads to life. I pray to be that desperate.

I pray my desperation leads me to walk more closely with Christ. Knowing all He has already done, I pray that I can use this coming year to cooperate in His work in me more fully. To radically change my life and my lifestyle to be in full conformity with Him.

I pray for the daily commitment to looking into His eyes to see whether my actions please Him. To ask myself daily:

• Am I showing grace to my husband, children, friends, and strangers? 
• Are my reactions bathed in patience and gentleness? 
• Am I spending the best moments of my day talking with Jesus about His plans for my day and then the rest of the moments obediently carrying those out? 
• Am I willing to accept unanswered prayers and disappointments as a necessary part of God's plan rather than seeing them as a failure of God to reward me as I deserve? 
• Am I living for God or for me? 

As I look to the coming year--I long for so many things. That diversity can scatter my focus and leave me unproductive. Jessica has offered a lesson in focus. I resolve this year to pray daily for a dependency on God's work in me and a willingness to engage in those efforts in my control to live for Christ and for His work to bring healing and life to my soul. I pray for defeat of the enemy within.


* Name changed.


Tess Worrell writes and speaks to groups regarding issues of family life and living as a Godly woman. She and husband, Mike Worrell, live in Madison, Indiana, where they are in their 14th year of home schooling. She would love to hear your insights. Comment here or email her at tess@YourFamilyMatterstous.com. If you would like Tess to speak to your home school or church group, you can learn more about her speaking at YourFamilyMatterstous.com.

3 Keys for Dealing with Parental Anger

Anger. What is it with anger? How can we be so in love and engaged with our children one moment, then so angry the next? Few parents escape that sick feeling of guilt after we've truly blown it with our child.

We know when our blow-ups are wrong. We know the damage they cause. We so often fear our own reactions because they seem to come from out of the blue--wreaking havoc, hurting those we love.

At the same time--at our core--we know we're right. Often, our anger is justified. Our children have done the very things we've spent so much time teaching against--hurting others; hurting us. How do we find the balance? How do we justifiably react to what is wrong without giving in to an anger that only damages.

Dr. S. M. Davis, pastor and noted home school speaker, calls parental anger the Number 1 destroyer of Godly families. If he's right, we must find a better way. Three keys for dealing with anger can show us that better way. The keys can be summed up in the phrase, "Anger is a great signal that something is wrong, but a terrible tool for fixing."

Anger is a great signal that something is wrong. When we're angry--there's a reason. God gives people emotions as tools for sensing the deeper layers of life going on around us. When we feel angry, that's the signal that something needs to be addressed.

Scripture teaches--first examine your own life. Matthew 7:3-5 Is the issue that needs addressing coming from within? Are you trying to teach the intricacies of Algebra on minimal sleep and no breakfast? Home schoolers have to do it all. We nurse babies throughout the night, encourage husbands facing job stresses, and figure out the strategies for teaching both beginning phonics and advanced Algebra all while managing a household. The stresses mount. Little sleep and a diet of coffee and children's left overs don't quite cut it. Our anger over child refusing to concentrate may have less to do with child's reaction and more with our need for a nap.

Once we've examined our own lives, we are then in a position to examine our child's. Anger is a great signal that something is wrong. When we become angry that our child won't concentrate on his work or keeps hitting his sister or back-talks when we give instructions--the anger is right. God has given our child a job of school. When child refuses to settle down and work, he is rebelling against God. When he hits his sister, he's rebelling against God's command to love others sacrificially. When he responds poorly to you, he's rebelling against the authority God has placed in his life. Our frustration with these behaviors rightly points us to heart issues that must be addressed.

Anger is a terrible tool for fixing what is wrong. James 1:2 says, "Man's anger does not bring about the righteous life God desires." Our anger won't bring about righteousness in our children. This is the source of our confusion. We are rightly angry, but that anger can't bring about righteousness. So, when we act in anger, we fail to follow God's direction in dealing with the situation which means we are now as in the wrong as our child. Hence the guilt. Hence the havoc wreaked when we blow up.

Instead, we need to allow the anger to signal when a situation needs addressing. Then, we need to address by getting on our knees and asking God for guidance in dealing with our child's heart. James 4 tells us that if we seek getting our way, we will have quarrels and fights. But, if we seek God's wisdom, He will give it.

Sometimes He gives the wisdom right away. We know that the hitting shows a lack of love for sister that violates God's command to love. We can take son aside and say, "Son, what in your heart is causing you to hit your sister?" As he shares his frustration that she keeps taking his pencils or does better than him at his math, you can offer, "I'm sure that is frustrating. She isn't treating you well. But, how does God want us to treat those who are hurting us?" Then comes the very concrete lessons of loving those who hurt us, finding Godly ways to share frustration rather than giving in to sin, or taking the time to see from another's perspective--the real discipleship of home schooling lived out in the scenes of our life, daily.

The key is refusing to use anger to resolve the situation but instead using God's word. If you need help knowing where to find His direction for a specific situation, I love Kara Durbin's Parenting with Scripture. She categorizes scripture based on heart attitude. Incredibly helpful resource.

Focus on the hearts. When we develop the habit of letting our anger inform us of situations that need our attention but deal with those out of God's word bathed in our patience, gentleness, firmness, and love--we stop blowing up. The pattern moves from us living a guilt-ridden roller coaster of costly interactions with our children to a pattern of God's word shaping our relationships. Our focus moves from the outer behavior to the heart.

Our children's behavior gives a clear mirror of the activity of their hearts. So does ours. When we focus on the hearts--ours and our child's--we open our hearts to seek God's reign in everything. We let His word shape and mold us. We become the people of God we long to be.

As parents--we get angry. Anger is a great signal that something is wrong, but a terrible tool for fixing. As we use our anger to take note of issues we need to address but God's word as the tool, we take our families from damaged to healthy.

          

   

Of Pots and Symphonies

“Where in the world. . .” I frantically searched the cupboards, the dishwasher, the kitchen counters. Where in the world were my pots? Behind schedule as usual, I just needed a pot to steam the veggies for a quick dinner before heading the family out the door. I didn’t have time for this!

“Kids!” I call up the stairs, “Where are my pots?” No answer. I improvise, get everyone to the table, and we make our engagement barely on time.

Later, as I head up the stairs to tuck my youngest in bed, I hear a rhythmic beat. Sure enough, she’s sitting in the middle of her bed using the chop sticks she brought home from a rare treat at a Chinese restaurant to beat the entire collection of Mama’s pots. Turns out she’s got quite a rhythm. I had to laugh. I enjoyed front row seat to the hottest new drummer in our neck of the woods.

It could have been so different. If I had found the pots in my moment of frustration, how would I have reacted? Would I have scolded in frustration—angry that she put me behind schedule by taking the pots? Would I have taken the time to sit and listen or only grab and grumble?

Had I scolded, what would I have taught her?

As she gathered the pots, I imagine she already had visions of the beautiful music she would create. I can practically see the plan forming in her head. “Hey, these would make great drumsticks. What can I use? . . .Mom’s pots!” How long did it take for her to carry them up the stairs? How did it feel as she created a beat in her head then pounded it on the pots discovering the ting, the echo, the music inside her?

What if I had entered the room at that moment? “What are you doing with my pots?! I don’t have time for this! Get these back to the kitchen right now!” I can hear my words and the tone. Would she have ever dared explore again?

Thankfully, God kept me from discovering the pots until I was in a frame of mind to hear well. To encourage and receive. To affirm her blossoming spirit and creative juices. We did have a conversation on how I would appreciate her asking the next time she needed to borrow the pots, but oh how different that conversation sounded than the one I imagine might have taken place in the midst of frustration.

God commands us to always be gentle, kind, self-controlled. Thank you, God, for controlling timing so that I was able to keep your command and enjoy the symphony of my daughter’s heart.

Tess Worrell writes and speaks to groups regarding issues of family life. She and husband, Mike Worrell, live in Madison, Indiana where they are in their 14th year of home schooling. She would love to hear your insights--comment here or email her at tess@YourFamilyMatterstous.com. If you are interested in bringing Tess to your home school or church group, learn more about her speaking at YourFamilyMatterstous.com.