The Bird Mother Philosophy

As the traditional school calendar's schedule winds down, some families are not engaged in as much formal study.  But did you know that summer vacation, lived intentionally, will build thinking skills?  And your children won’t even realize their education is still in full swing.

I have friend whose life work is all about building thinking skills.  He tells the story of his observing two different mothers who brought their sons, who looked about five years old, to New York's Central Park one day.  The first mother was walking along with her son and they were engaged in conversation.  A bird flew overhead. 

“Do you see that bird?”  the mother asked, pointing.

“Yes!” replied the excited son.

“Do you know what kind of bird it is?”

“Yes,” the son answered, “It’s a __________.”

“Have we seen one like it before?”

“Oh, yes!”

"Where have you seen one, and when?”

“Mama, it was here, just yesterday.”

“Now why do you suppose that bird would be around here again today?”  the mother inquired.

“Maybe he has a nest near here,” the son offered with widening eyes.

“Let’s go look!” urged the mother, an obvious smile spreading over her face.

And at this point my friend says the two of them moved out of earshot and it would have been rude to follow, but they obviously continued in discussion as they followed the bird and were busily pointing up under a tree.

The second mother came walking with her son to the park, and, though it appeared that she and her son had a pleasant relationship, when they arrived, the mother took up her post on a bench and opened a Wall Street Journal, while the little boy skipped off to the playground.

My friend, who has made a life's work of studying how thinking skills are built, remarked that, though the second mother probably loved her son every bit as much as the first mother, it was the son of the "bird mother" who was being taught to think, and who would actually end up "smarter."

You see, the ability to think well, what the world calls intelligence, isn’t actually fixed. Children, and even adults, can learn to learn; they can learn to think well.  Science is finally catching up with God on this one, as scientists and educators are now beginning to acknowledge that the kind of parenting that God prescribes, in Deuteronomy 6 and Joshua 4, for example, is precisely the kind of content-rich, relationship-based interaction that builds intelligence--or thinking skills.

The experts are now admitting that thinking skills are actually built in relationships, and God, of course, knew it all along.

Why not adopt a methodology like He describes and watch your children thrive and grow in their ability to think, even without all the books this summer?  Engage them in conversations about anything and everything around you; ask them questions and let them pepper you with the same.  Figure things out together and seek out what God has to say about them, too.

And even when the school years ramps back up again, you just might want to reconsider solitary workbook time and trade much of it for real two-way conversations about the material instead--and find your children miles ahead.

Intrigued?

"The Bird Mother Philosophy:  Part II" coming next time I write . . .

Homeschooling with her husband, Scott, since 2001, Carol believes nothing is too difficult for God.  She is a passionate encourager and loves using creative means--including writing music, speaking, and blogging--to encourage others to trust God through all the adventures He calls them to.  You can read more from her at her Unsmotherable Delight blog (udelight.blogspot.com), where you'll find faith-filled original songs, favorite scriptures, family stories, and even a little film about adoption, all designed to inspire and lift your spirit.  Her original 'theme song' titled Captain's Anthem can be heard on Vimeo at http://vimeo.com/30769152.

Passages

Our son graduated college today. At the last moment, he was informed he would graduate cum laud.

Amazing. My son who you couldn't pay to read. Who doodled his way through math. Who just wanted to go film movies in the backyard.

Admitted to one of the best colleges in Indiana, he pursued a Communications major which allowed him to go film movies in the backyard of Hanover College. Then, of London, England. Then, of Athens, Greece.

The admiration of my son as he walked across the platform to receive his diploma is impossible to describe. Added was the sense of utter relief. I hadn't ruined all chances of future success by home schooling him. I hadn't ruined all chances of future success by failing to meet every element of our curriculum. I hadn't ruined all chances of success by being a very imperfect mom and often not reacting as I should.

God is so incredibly faithful. I got up every morning and simply said, "God, please be our teacher today. Please guide and direct us. Show me how you are forming these children and guide to be your tool." Every day God put into place the elements of His plan for each child--Braden included.

God showed us Braden's amazing ability for making movies. God then provided a cheap camera and a bevy of friends and sibling willing to be directed. God provided a backyard perfect for bringing Braden's stories to life. God wrote His plan into Braden's life--guiding every step.

God promises to do that for each of us. We don't need to know the whole plan for schooling. We serve a God who knows the plan. We serve a God who simply asks that we faithfully show up each day ready to be guided by Him. Then, He works in our children to bring their passions and skills to fruition.

As I look at my first grader, I am so relieved. Because there are days you can't pay her to read. She doodles her way through math. She just wants to play with her stuffed animals on the front porch. Yet, I know God is kindling in her the passion for the call He has placed in her heart. Trusting God, I can look forward to the future He is writing for her.

Perspective

I do know a family or two who apparently stay totally on schedule for school, wrap it all up by Memorial Day, and take the entire summer off each year.  However, most of the homeschooling families I know do not; they have subjects to finish up or lingering projects to complete over the summer.  And while outsiders looking in may find that appalling, it could be that they are not familiar with all that that a homeschooling mother must juggle.

When my husband and I went to Ukraine for 31 days for our adoption, my parents bravely undertook the care and home education of our other two children, who were eight and twelve at the time.  While we were gone, my mom made a chart of all the responsibilities I normally had to manage along with an estimate of how much time they each required.  What she found was that there isn’t enough time in the day to get it all done.

What I’m saying, moms, is that if your job feels huge, that’s because it is.  I have a tendency to let that get me down at times, and I know some of you do, too.

When you are tempted to be discouraged with what you didn’t get accomplished, remind yourself of what you did accomplish; stop to acknowledge the Lord’s faithfulness for the past, the present, and the future; and be thankful.  Actually, I was having one of those discouraged days yesterday, and one of my daughters helped me to put things in perspective.  It’s often the nature of homeschooling for some of the biggest leaps in learning to not be because of what was on the list at the outset of the school year, but instead they are a result of some unforeseen event or opportunity that God gave you the grace to make the most of.

At this time of year, especially, don’t succumb to the temptation to call yourself a failure just because your homeschooling schedule doesn’t look like somebody else’s.  And don’t forget that your Sovereign Father has even more invested in your children’s future than you do.

“For I am confident of this very thing,

that He who began a good work in you

will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 1:6

Scripture quotation taken from the NASB.

Homeschooling with her husband, Scott, since 2001, Carol believes nothing is too difficult for God.  She is a passionate encourager and loves using creative means--including writing music, speaking, and blogging--to encourage others to trust God through all the adventures He calls them to.  You can read more from her at her Unsmotherable Delight blog (udelight.blogspot.com), where you'll find faith-filled original songs, favorite scriptures, family stories, and even a little film about adoption, all designed to inspire and lift your spirit.  Her 'theme song' titled Captain's Anthem can be heard on Vimeo at http://vimeo.com/30769152.

Avoiding Exhausted Mama Syndrome

"Work with your family--not for your family."

"Mommy, can I help?" my daughter asked as I planted flowers in our front beds. Tree roots, black plastic laid by a prior owner, and countless rocks made the digging near impossible. With our house going on the market, I needed the flowers to look as attractive as possible--an already challenging goal. Could my daughter help?

Then, I remembered the advice an Amish friend gave me years ago, "Work with your family--not for your family."  She had a solid philosophy that if mom was still working, the rest of the family should still be working. She considered kids playing in the living room while mom did dishes unacceptable. She taught the younger moms in her sphere to constantly include children in whatever work they were doing.

She noted, "Young children want to help. They beg to help. We turn them away because we think it's easier to just do it ourselves. But, by the time they are old enough to truly help--they've had years of practice in playing while mom works. They come to believe they are entitled to play while mom works. Even mom falls into this habit. Then, mom grows exhausted and resentful. Instead, include children. No matter how little the job--while you work, let them work."

Her advice has proven invaluable. I admit to times where we have worked hard for hours planting a garden or organizing the garage--and I release the children to go play while I finish the task. Further, I don't expect my two-year-old to work as long and hard as I do. But, generally if there are house chores to be done, the whole family works together until they are done.

Keys:

• Make jobs age appropriate. I don't expect my toddler to hoe the garden. I do have her put folded laundry in the basket. 
• Give frequent breaks. After a good push, I bring out Kool-Aid and grapes for a snack. I let the children ride a lap on their bikes. I have them go do a break-job--one that's fun, such as spraying the plants with the hose which inevitably turns into spraying each other and cooling off. 
• Reward. Especially after a long day, I break out a tub of ice cream and toppings for a special treat. Even just in daily chores, when children finish, I make sure to inspect their work because the attention tells them their efforts are important. I thank them for helping and praise their efforts. That connection keeps the kids encouraged.
• Work together. With rare exceptions, we all pitch in on a task. We clean up the dinner table, do the yard work, straighten the house--all together. While 2 people may head to work on the living room while 2 others tackle the school room, we work in teams. This prevents chores feeling like solitary confinement and more like team work.

Benefits?

• I never feel like I'm alone--working myself to death, resentful of others. Instead, I feel part of a great team who helps each other. 
• I have some of the best conversations with children while we weed a garden patch or straighten the garage. Something about busy hands opens hearts and mouths.
• Our children have a great work ethic--if someone gets up to do something, they jump up to help. We've normalized helpfulness just by including them from the very beginning in every job

It's not a perfect system to be sure. The holes my daughter dug had to be redone by me. I had to keep reminding her not to step on the already planted flowers as she moved to plant the next. I had to take deep breaths every time she tried to pull a flower out of the seed pot praying she wouldn't tear the plant. I would have planted the flowers far faster without her help.

But, as we stood back at the end of the job--her face broke into a grin as she gleefully exclaimed, "Oh, mommy, look how beautiful!" She got to be part of that. We got to be a team. Plus, she learned a little about planting flowers. Those little lessons pay huge dividends down the road. The next day my older daughter took the remaining flowers and planted them in another bed while I mowed the lawn. I could trust her to do the job well because she has been planting flowers with me all her life.

If you want to avoid "exhausted Mama syndrome"--work with your family, not for your family.

Tess Worrell writes and speaks to groups regarding issues of family life and living as a Godly woman. She and husband, Mike Worrell, live in Madison, Indiana, where they are in their 14th year of home schooling. She would love to hear your insights. Comment here or email her at tess@YourFamilyMatterstous.com. If you would like Tess to speak to your home school or church group, learn more about her speaking at YourFamilyMatterstous.com.

His Thoughts

Every spring we have at least one nest of robins in our yard.  Last year we had three--that we know of.  We have so much fun watching the babies go from bald to fluffy to flying in just a few days, and we check on them quite often to see how they’re doing.

But sometimes it’s terribly sad, too.  One afternoon, I happened upon one of the babies that had fallen from the nest and died right there in the grass.  My heart sank as I thought, “We check on them so often--how could that little one have already died and we not even know he’d fallen?"

At that very moment, the Holy Spirit reminded me of something Jesus said.  “Are not two sparrows sold for a cent?  And yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father.  But the very hairs of your head are all numbered.   Therefore do not fear; you are of more worth than many sparrows.”  Matthew 10:29-31

That bird lived in my yard and I didn’t know he fell.  But God did.  And He knows when a bird falls from any nest--in any yard--on the whole, entire planet.

Do you ever worry about stuff?  "How am I going to get all this done?  . . . I've got a million things on my to-do list that should have been done yesterday.  . . . How do I explain this math so my daughter will understand it?  . . . I need to do this, but I can't even start this 'til I do that first, and this other thing is in the way of that. . .  How do I help my son survive writing and grammar?  How am I going to pay attention to my husband when I'm so tired I can't even think?"

Or how about the future?  "The children are growing so fast, how are we going to afford new clothes and shoes?  . . . What if my husband is in the next round of lay-offs?  . . . What will happen to my son if he can't ever make up his mind about an occupation?  . . . What if our new teenage driver totals the car?   . . . What if these medical tests come back with scary results?  . . . Will this child ever graduate?"  Can you hear yourself in any of those questions?  Can you hear yourself in any of the questions Jesus gave as examples in Matthew 6:31?

I confess I've spent more than one rather sleepless night thinking about things out of my control.  I was awake late one night when I found something wonderful in Psalm 40.

“Many, O LORD my God, are Your wonderful works which You have done;

and Your thoughts which are toward us cannot be recounted to you in order;

if I would declare and speak of them, they are more than can be numbered. 

. . . But I am poor and needy; yet the Lord thinks upon me.

You are my help and my deliverer; . . .”  Psalm 40:5,17

This is incredible!  He’s thinking of me so much, I couldn’t even keep track of all of His thoughts of me.  What’s He thinking about?  Okay, realistically, I know He sees all my sin and knows all my thoughts (Psalm 139), so He’s definitely not thinking, “Oh, she’s such a nice person.”  So, what can He be thinking about?

Well, I looked up the meaning of the Hebrew words for His thoughts and His thinking in these verses.  And these are not just sweet, little thinking-of-you-card kind of thoughts.  These are actually intentional plans; He’s literally considering, computing, valuing, planning, devising, weaving, fabricating, inventing, . . . strategizing about me--and about you!  It’s no wonder Jesus said, “. . . Don’t worry. . .” (Would you take a moment to read Matthew 6:25-34 right here and now?)

On the night I read Psalm 40 before I went to bed, I could hardly see through my tears of relief.  We don’t need to stay awake worrying about anything.  Psalm 121:4 says He doesn’t sleep, so He’ll be awake all night, and He’s doing enough strategizing for all of us combined.

The fact is that worrying is not in our job description!  Moment by moment obedience--yes!  Trusting Him--yes!  But worry--no!   The future is His.  He's planning, inventing, and weaving it all together.  I don't know how He does it all.  I just know He is good and He is able to accomplish His plans.  As He did for Israel, He is able do for me, "Not one of the good promises which the LORD had made to the house of Israel failed; all came to pass."  Joshua 21:45

So, this is what I now think about when I wake in the night.  God is awake and strategizing on my behalf.  Thank you, dear Father!  I can go back to sleep.

“When I remember you on my bed,

I meditate on You in the night watches,

for you have been my help,

and in the shadow of your wings I sing for joy.”

Psalm 63:6-7

Scripture quotations taken from the NASB.

Homeschooling with her husband, Scott, since 2001, Carol believes nothing is too difficult for God.  She is a passionate encourager and loves using creative means--including writing music, speaking, and blogging--to encourage others to trust God through all the adventures He calls them to.  You can read more from her at her Unsmotherable Delight blog (udelight.blogspot.com), where you'll find faith-filled original songs, favorite scriptures, family stories, and even a little film about adoption, all designed to inspire and lift your spirit.  Her 'theme song' titled Captain's Anthem can be heard on Vimeo at http://vimeo.com/30769152.

Power Words for Parents--On a Mission

I love words. Words that inspire. Words that convict. Words that encourage. I especially love words that get my children to do what I ask.

In reading a blog post from the National Center for Biblical Parenting (NCBP), I found such a phrase. "On a mission." Scott Turansky, co-founder of NCBP, encourages parents to frame instructions to children, "You are on a mission to ________," fill in the gap with instruction.

I have to admit that when I first read this, I thought it was kind of cheesy. I envisioned our children giving a funny look and asking, "Seriously, Mom?"

Then, one night I instructed our two youngest to head to bed. Five minutes later they were still handing out kisses, looking for stuffed animals, and locating books. Without even thinking I said, "Guys--you're on a mission to get to bed." They bounded up the steps and were quietly tucking in before I could blink.

It worked? It worked!

It continues to work. I have added a bit of explanation. "Kiddos--when Daddy or I give you instruction, you already know it's your job to obey. By obeying us, you practice obeying God. I want you to think of each instruction as a mission. Your job--complete your mission with focus, purpose, and honor."

Going to bed, emptying the dishwasher, feeding the sheep take on a whole new meaning as the children consider their daily chores practice for the bigger missions God will send. Most of all, I love how this phrase shapes their hearts toward enthusiastic obedience.

"On a mission." Words to inspire; words to convict; words to encourage. May we all be "on a mission" to obey.

That They May Know Him

This time of year, as I look back on the year's learning and look ahead to all that is left to accomplish, I find in the words of Jesus, recorded in John 17:3, an important perspective.

"And this is eternal life,

that they may know You, the only true God,

and Jesus Christ whom You have sent."

While we, of course, still value the responsible completion of our assignments, when I consider Jesus' words, I am challenged to actively avoid being simply on auto-pilot, to avoid being so caught up in the routine of daily tasks that we would somehow overlook His call to relationship.  Our call, above all others, is to abide in Him, so that we would know Him.  Do our children truly understand that eternal life, according to Jesus, is to know Him?

Oh, that each day would be rightly arranged to reflect this, both for us and for our children. . .  

Because, in the end, whether we know Him is all that will matter.

"More than that, I count all things to be loss

in view of the surpassing value

of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. . ."

Philippians 3:8

Scripture quotations taken from the NASB.

Homeschooling with her husband, Scott, since 2001, Carol believes nothing is too difficult for God.  She is a passionate encourager and loves using creative means--including writing music, speaking, and blogging--to encourage others to trust God through all the adventures He calls them to.  You can read more from her at her Unsmotherable Delight blog (udelight.blogspot.com), where you'll find faith-filled original songs, favorite scriptures, family stories, and even a little film about adoption, all designed to inspire and lift your spirit.  Her 'theme song' titled Captain's Anthem can be heard on Vimeo at http://vimeo.com/30769152.